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Anorexic Appearance

Nov. 12th, 2006 | 10:06 am

Anorexic Appearance:

My Fingers reek of vomit,
My skin so dry and pale.
My hair so dry and brittle,
My body weak and fraile.

Under my eyes are darkened,
as if mascara smudged.
My shoulders hard and stiff,
My bones they just won't budge!

My wrists are slashed and swollen,
my legs they're covered in bruise.
I'm looking at a dark reflection,
mine? Anorexia's? Who's?

I stand afraid and startled,
sneaking just one more glance.
Who is this I am seeing?
This Anorexic Appearance.

Tabby,
2006

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Them stupid? Me smart?

Nov. 10th, 2006 | 11:06 pm

Do they just not know because they're too stupid to figure it out, to put all the pieces together and get the idea? Or do they just not know because I'm wayy to good Of a lier + mastermind + manipulator?(The list goes On)

I mean surely a Mom would be getting suspicious of her daughter making fatty foods and then heading to her room to "do homework" while puking her guts out, after 3-4 months of so-called recovery and admitting that she's back on track and feels great about herself and her body, what idiot believes that? I wouldn't buy it as a mother.. but I guess My parents put a lot of their trust in me, and if that is the case.. then I'm truly a horrible person.

Despite all of these guilt trips and lies, I'm still determined to lose weight no matter who I'm hurting, It's my life after all isn't that right?

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Loser Brother.

Nov. 8th, 2006 | 08:44 pm

This is Hilarious!

So this morning I wake up and do all the usual things, shower, brush my teeth, get dressed, do my hair etc. I'm brushing my hair in the bathroom when my brother comes bursting in, LATE AS USUAL and asks me to leave so he can use the bathroom ( all the other one's are occupied?). We had a fairly interesting arguement/conversation here it is:

Brother: Get out, I need to take a piss.

Me: Why dont you make me

Brother: I will, get the hell out. ( And pushes me out of the bathroom)

(I'm outside the bathroom trying to kick HIM out and he starts yelling.)

Brother: "WHAT THE HELL?? WHAT'S ALL THIS HAIR? WHY THE HELL COULDN'T YOU CLEAN THIS SHIT UP???"

(I'm losing my hair these days, could be lack of calorie intake or whatever.)

Me: ( Silent)

Brother: "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE NOT USING OUR BATHROOM ANYMORE (SINCE WE LIVE ON THE SAME FLOOR). NOW YOU'RE GOING TO GAIN WEIGHT, CAUSE YOU CAN'T BARF!!"

I'm back in my room, with the dirtiest grin on my face while laughing at his stupidity and how I've fooled him as with the the rest of the family, because I purge in my room and they don't even know it.

On my way out, He's making fun of me and how I'm always " barfing"

Brother: Have fun gaining weight buddy cause after today, you won't be able to!

Me: No problem, next time I have to go.. it'll be on either your bed, or most likely your face. See ya later.

My brother thinks he's officially stopped me from throwing up and will make me gain weight.. he has NO idea!

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Lost a few pounds!

Nov. 6th, 2006 | 07:44 pm

I weighed myself at lunch today and... 94 lbs! I'm guessing I weigh a bit less cause I had drinken water and I did have clothes on, so I'm not too unhappy about it . I'm actually not unhappy at all... okay fine a bit, but atleast I'm getting further away from 100- the number I totally dread and freak out about. I have only 8 more lbs to lose in order to get to my short term goal of 86, gahh I'm so proud of myself with the progress I've made over the last couple of weeks. I'm going to take it a few pounds at a time and hopefully before I realise it, I'll be at my dream weight- where I was before I was forced to "recover", where I was before I had chickened out and gained weight after being threatened with hospitalization, where I was and could have been lower. This gives me another opportunity though, another chance to re-live the "past" (July) again. 86 was the weight in which I was first dianosed with Anorexia Nervosa by Doctors and ED specialists. 86, was a happier weight than where I was/am today. Despite all of this though, I still feel that it is possible for me to achieve my goal of getting there and I feel really confident about it. I'm a few steps away from thin, well a shit load of steps But I WILL get there!


I've had 203 calories today and I'm not feeling too bad about it since I'm going to be doing some ballet and jumping jacks before I go to bed tonight!

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WORKOUT DAY?

Nov. 4th, 2006 | 07:54 pm

Here's what I let myself eat today thinking I'd be able to get a full hour workout at the gym.. it's terrible!

Breakfast:

Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal: 130
1/2 carrot muffin: 90


Lunch:

1/2 tuna sandwich: 150
black beans w/ onion and tomato: 180


Dinner: B/P

Fettucine Alfredo w/ Broccoli and Chicken.. YUM: (Purged it)


Total Calories: 550 


Calories Burned: 88 

Calories Left:  462... UGHH.. EWW!!

I thought I'd be able to get a full hour workout today so I told myself I could consume twice the amount of calories I normally have (which is 214) or on my really horrible days, 30-60... So I get to the gym feeling all scared and disgusted because usually I'm not having this much in a day unless I'm b/ping. I'm working out for like 25 minutes on the treadmill when mom goes, " Okay. That's all the time you're allowed". I'm thinking, WHAT THE FUCK? I JUST CONSUMED A WHOLE FUCK LOAD OF FAT, CARBS AND CALORIES AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO LEAVE? I got to convince her to let me workout just a bit longer because there was "nothing to do" and I was "bored" and "wanted to kill time" so she did. I only got to burn off 88 fucking calories today.. Wow, and I thought I'd burn off atleast 200... Fuck it! I b/p dinner tonight and got away with it.. AGAIN! I still feel really shitty about the 462 (or less) calories I have in me. Leave it to my mom to make me feel like shit!

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Lies,Lies, Lies!

Nov. 2nd, 2006 | 08:33 pm

It scares me sometimes that I can lie and hide things so well, but I guess that's what Eating Disorders give us- "personalities" and "gifts". I'm getting better and better at hiding and lying about my eaten food that I feel real guilty about, but It doesn't stop me from getting where I'm determined to get. It's amazing how easily my parents are fooled into the lame reasons/excuses I make, I mean most parents would be " Yeah sure, I'm not buying that" But it's all trust. They give me their trust and I break it just like that! Most days I can't believe how much I've lied to get where I am today, and trust me it's not a good feeling but somehow I feel like my parents deserve it... Somehow.

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"Deep Inside"

Nov. 1st, 2006 | 08:59 pm

"Deep Inside"

Deep Inside I'm different,
there's more of me to see.
Nothing really special,
except the lies I tend to keep.

Deep Inside I'm different,
my secrets all unfold.
The things that were left unsaid,
and the truth which was never told.

Deep inside I'm different,
I'm different this soon you'll find.
You'll see the excuses of made,
and the lies I've hid behind.

Deep Inside I'm different,
there's more than meets the eye.
If you really want to see this,
look deep, deep inside.

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Lovely Comments!

Oct. 30th, 2006 | 08:33 pm
mood: cheerful

Sitting In Geography Class today all sad, then this really thin girl who I've been jealous of since school started, gives me some lovely compliments.. along with my friend.
They made my day!!!:

Skinny Girl: Oh my god, you have really tiny wrists! (Wraps her fingers around them)

Me: Oh, thanks.. But you're wayy skinnier than me!!

Skinny Girl: NO wayy, not as tiny as you! You're soo thin!

Me: No, you are.

Skinny girl: No you are.

Me: No, you are.

Skinny girl: NO YOU ARE!

Then my friend goes, " you know what? You're both really, really tiny!" And smiles.
I could Not have been more happier! I mean here I am before lunch, standing in the mirror sulking about how fat I am and hating myself even more.. then these two girls are telling me I'm so thin! I'm happy to have people like them around, especially in the hardest days.

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Suspicious Mom

Oct. 29th, 2006 | 05:38 pm

PERFECT!!! Now mom is getting suspicious about me "eating" downstairs all the time. I think she knows I hide my food.. >.< This makes my plan to lose weight, even harder!! I can pull through it though, hopefully get my trust back with my lies and sappy little stories. It always works. =)

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208 Cals.

Oct. 28th, 2006 | 08:37 pm
mood: hopeful

I've finally taken into consideration that by starving and b/ping and not having anything calorie-wise, I'm messing up my metabolism which will make me lose weight faster.. definatly not what I want! So I've decided that I'll have 208 calories a day from now on , Exercising as much as I can to burn off the calories I've consumed. The foods must be negative calories in some way and cannot be consisting of any fat or a lot of protein. I've promised myself that this food plan will not be permanent and will change with my weight loss.

I'm hoping to get down to 94 by Monday, which I probably will since I've been b/p and starving all weekend. *Good luck me!*

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